I am a man with needs and desires. I find what I want and tell others to do the same. This is what a man does.

I married a modern woman.  She requests an orgasm from relations.  I bought this device and she is now satisfied.  50 years ago I could have saved the money, but such is life today.

~~~~~


My local druggist is an Asian man of about 40 years.  He wears a smock with a name badge on it.  I suppose someone at some corporation decided that counting pills required a protective overcoat with the word Tim on it.  Then all of the pharmaceutical Lemmings followed suit.  When the depths of my buttocks were itching, I didn't want to ask my cleverly-clad friend for advice.  I came to
ShopInPrivate instead.  I served in the war.

~~~~~


I come to
ShopInPrivate to buy my denture cream.  What the hell is this stuff?

~~~~~


Like a nasal tribesman with a
machete.

~~~~~


I'm writing you this because you are of the age that you can handle the truth.  I like whores, but only having sex with them.  Trusting them is for fools.  I bring my own condoms. 
These ones.

~~~~~


I was stinking drunk.  I googled and
bought.  Now i enjoy it more than I would ever tell another human.

~~~~~


She poured me another drink and told me she was going to shove
this up my arse.  It was my fifth drink and at that time it felt like a good idea.  She was hot as fireplace embers and I knew she'd let me ejaculate on that porcelain dollface of hers so I went  with it.

~~~~~


Fix your eyes on
this.  You know it's a fast trip to orgasm. 

~~~~~


She is a sexy girl, any sailor's dream, but after 4 kids things needed a
change.  It was like a maiden voyage.

~~~~~


My last girl was through with me.  My short fuse had cost me too much.  I spent the cash for
this and things are better.

~~~~~


I wanted it in the worst way.  After college I finally had the kind of success to buy this type of frivolity.  When I arrived home on the fourth day, there it was.  The box was as promised.  Plain brown but with one corner barely pushed it.  It had probably fallen off a table.  After opening up
the package with a dinner knife I felt the tension and bliss.  I was late for work the next day and canceled a Friday night date with an undesirable.

~~~~~


Sometimes you learn you need something and that you have
needed it all along.

~~~~~


Hey smart-guy if you worked perfectly you wouldn't be reading
this page.  I cared enough about my woman.

~~~~~


Women need certain
things and need is not too potent a word.

~~~~~


If we all used a decent product like
Yodora we wouldn't have to watch any trite deodorant commercials.  Join me.

~~~~~


My fancy dentist drives some type of foreign motor car.  Probably costs twice that of a Cadillac.  I'll be damned if I buy him another one.  I'm
relining my dentures myself.  3 Stars.

~~~~~


If
Mr. Perry would end his little pity-party we could have some new music. Etta James would have.  1 Star.

~~~~~


My bride isn't steady and she doesn't  move very well but everyone deserves their
dignity, privacy, and pleasure.

~~~~~


It is funny how when a creative person invents
something like this people think it evil, but if the human mind's inventions aren't the work of god, what is?

~~~~~


Certainly many people see
this as a replacement for a man, and would that be a bad thing?  Does the world need more humans trampling nature?

~~~~~


My wife told me to
buy it for her.  I did not ask.  I won't.

~~~~~


The apelike hair on my shoulders is
gone.

~~~~~


I'm not convinced that a man should possess a bald scrotum but it is gentlemanly to honor such a request, so I am
here.

~~~~~


I've heard all arguments, I prefer it
shaven.

~~~~~


She's a handsome woman.  Not a false beauty, but wonderful to see from morning to night.  She is happy with me and all my nonsense, she deserves the best
vibrator ever created and she deserves to use it whenever she pleases. 

~~~~~


What is this nonsense?  If I want to reduce the appearance of cellulite I turn off the lights before she enters the room.  It means
something only to her.

~~~~~


The virility of a man is measured not in what pills he takes but why he takes
them.  If you are trying to date younger women, good for you, but remember, convincing a young woman to have sex with an older man has always required money and booze.  Vitamins only matter after the deal is closed.

~~~~~


A foolish hunter brings beans on a hunting trip, but a smart one brings one of
these.

~~~~~


I like the feel of a woman's attention.  They could be standing close, hanging on my words or touching skin.  In my younger days I took this to mean that they wanted to make love, but what they really want is to have me
protect them.  I like this more now that it no longer disappoints either of us.

~~~~~


In prison it is considered acceptable behavior to permanently glue one of
these to your cellmate's backside.

~~~~~


My neighbors wife is cheating on him.  I know because I saw her at the store buying
this stuff.  She never cared before and now she's got thirty bucks to spend.  He has been cheating on her for years too and with an ugly woman.  Unforgivable.

~~~~~


After a Chinese dinner a crude friend told the table his fortune cookie said "man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with stinky finger".  The next morning I checked and after scrubbing for minutes,
logged on.  3 Stars.

~~~~~


Never popular with my coworkers I kept to myself.  I should have tried
this 30 years ago.  I might have made friends.  It is probably too late. 4 Stars.

~~~~~


I received my
parcel and it was as promised.  It also included some of those plastic pillows to cushion the wares.  I cut each pillow in half and gave them to my Italian friend who planted tomato seedlings in each.  4 stars.

~~~~~


Some people say that just because a man can do something doesn't mean he should, but I think that if a man can do
something and he is driven to it, he should do it.

~~~~~

I'm a fumbler by nature. I've always made a mess of things. Sure, I can posture and pose with the best of them, tell a tall tale, and look the part, but when it comes down to doing something perfectly, I generally fail. These days you can usually find a machine to help you out. This product is one.

Reviews by Hemingway is sponsored by ShopInPrivate.com and Vibrators.com.

I've also done some other silly internet projects: ExtremeHolidayIdeas.com, GingerbreadGhetto.com, OneFunnyStory.com, EnvironmentallyChallenged.com